hey guys. it has come to my attention that i've been invited to post things on this blog and that i have not yet done so. for the past few weeks, the internet at our apartment has been down, and so was reliable access to the blog. this break in service was due only to the fact that, since august, i have not gotten our isp bill paid. so it was my own fault, really. but i got it taken care of, so here goes nothing.

throughout my life, there have been continuous echoes of gutless irresponsibility on my part. from dropping out of high school with a less than 1.0 GPA, to taking seven years to amass 32 credits at a junior college, to slacking off on this internet bill, i have to wonder what my deal is. even today i didn't go to school because we had a presentation due, which was assigned nearly three weeks ago. i put it off until last nite, thinking it would be easy to bang something out. when i was on the verge of anxiety attacks, i realised that i couldn't get it done, and i had only myself to blame. i was too flippant with the assignment, allowing myself to push it to the back of my mind because it's only worth 4% of a final grade. but it reflects a pattern that is discouraging, to say the least.

it just makes me wonder why this pattern still exists. shouldn't the irresponsibilities of youth have been shuffled off with adulthood? have i yet reached adulthood? or will the road towards maturity last my whole life? i just worry that someday, when i have a wife and kids relying on me as well, i will struggle with these same issues and turn into a deadbeat. i just don't want that to happen.

in other news, i had a dream last nite that i was scouting out a place to propose and get married to someone. i found this awesome place on a cliff on the oregon coast, and was getting all the necessary booking info to plan a wedding there. the place was perfect, and i was overcome by the beauty and romance of it all. then i realised that i had no clue who i was supposed to be getting married, or even proposing, to. i was just a lonely single guy making plans for something that i hoped someday would happen, but had no guarantees towards. how depressing!

i find myself often thinking about things out of order, setting up plans for the future with no solid foundation in the present to lead to them. and the way this habit relates to love, idealism, and how i find my personal worth is definitely a constant topic of thought in my mind. and so anything i post on this blog will most likely be woven from this fabric. there's my introduction.