I have observed in many cases of my own nature lately, subjective only to myself, that in this state of "being" to exist and know of my existence and how I relate with the world around me in conjunction to who I am to God is apparently adherent to personal gain. Welcome, my friend, to my attempt at a logical dissertation of comprehending narcissism in the forms I've personally perceived of myself and identified. I have not written this with the intent to praise myself with the wisdom to know when I've become selfish. I have written this in order to shed light on a sin that withholds a mind from truth in light of God and to render the loss of self to be inherently the only way to God.

I am the youngest of four in my family. Being the youngest I was raised by both my parents and older siblings. I was rarely spoiled and raised culturally to not have a sense of entitlement for anything not earned. My parents in their moral upstanding to raise their children different from any child in our culture (my sisters, brother, and I grew up in the Philippines) had tried their best to place in our lives foundations for virtues relating to humility, kindness, patience, morality, and love. This influenced much of my ideals growing up and in cognition deciding whether or not I should receive or pursue something. In essence, I had culturally shifting ideals about virtues and the relevance of my actions toward or away from them. In conscience I can confidently say that my parents had shaped a well rounded moral foundation.

Recently, I have been in a state of growth in mind. Learning to logically express thoughts, concepts, ideas, and meaning. In this phase, a shift of interests had stirred a hunger for wisdom in areas of philosophy and psychology. The more important cases of motives, intent, and human behavioral patterns. I have been perceiving the world, I believe God had shaped and formed, as objectively as possible. Even with my interactions with people, it has become empirically measured relative to my understanding of subjective situations. Knowing in the absolute of general human nature of what is right or wrong and juxtaposing it with a Christian moral and scriptural view of right and wrong, I had been able to be objective to situations that were irrelevant to me or my growth.

I had realized a paradox in my growth. The selfishness of personal gain in pursuit of wisdom even toward God had become self praising and quite ironic. The intent was to find a way to logically justify my faith in God which manifested unintentionally into mindful self indulgence which further contradicted the original intent of the action. In ways I know I have brought glory to God, I've also misconstrued the motives for my learning. I noticed a shift from gaining knowledge for myself to discern how God is working in people's lives including my own, to be more weighted on gaining knowledge for myself as a priority. I had become narcissistic even with logical thinking bordering existential ideals mixed with Christian beliefs. I can now identify within myself where I have faltered in logic, for I have contradicted myself from the foundations of my own intent and morality.

I have come to a concise point in this dissertation to stop in most semantic thinking pertaining only to myself and concentrate intentionally on God's work in my mind. I can only further move in logic, to be uncompromising, to repose and only let growth be an opportunity when available out of my control. I will not digress, nor will I move forward with self perpetuating gain in epistemology, rather, move to the study of the Bible in order to further growth toward God. I submit in humility to God and know I had faltered, but I continue in the knowledge of God's persistent will which I constantly choose to ask for over my own, for I choose to pray for these things in petition to His will. Amen.