i walk a lonely road, the only road...

I sip tea at the trendiest coffee-house I have ever seen, in a city where I know close to nobody, wondering about big things. The sort of things you only think about when you are alone, at a trendy coffee-house, sipping tea, and in a city where nobody knows your name.

It could be better.  I could be amongst a few good friends in a much cooler city, but even still, there is something to being alone for a few days in a place you've never been before. You start asking questions. Really deep, dark questions. Deeper than anything you have ever asked yourself and really meant it. 

What am I really doing with my life? 

Do I have a handle on this, or have I just been kidding myself for a really long time?

The kinds of questions you don't ask yourself unless you are completely, nakedly, utterly... alone.

I am not writing to complain or to gather up pity points to cash in for a coffee-conversation with one of you guys in the near future. I am merely thinking through my fingers. A sort of sporadic, stream-of-conscious blurt of word-shaped thought, all suddenly spurted onto the computer screen.

I went for a walk today after journalling over a little coffee. Upper Denver is really cold, but people still carry on with their business like it was 75 degrees and sunny in socal. I wonder, as I walk, if I could ever be a Denver-ite (Denverian?); if I could ever walk the icy streets, minding my own business, praying, thinking, breathing. Because, as some of you may know, that is precisely what I am considering doing come August. I ask, as one leg passes the other and then gets passed again by its counterpart, 'can I do this for at least three years?' Truly, can I leave everything I have ever known and pick up the script in a different city? My breath turns to hopeful ice, but disappears before my eyes. I think about not slipping in front of the "Pizza Alley," and catch myself staring too long at a Methodist church erected in 1922. The church sign reads, "OPEN HEART, OPEN HANDS, OPEN DOORS."  I wonder, silently, if this means they allow gay folk to worship in their congregation.

Again, the thought erupts, spewing discontent, frustration, and lack of clarity: have i just been kidding myself for a really long time? I wince out of discomfort. I look back for the Methodist church, it is still in the dark distance. I think about turning around at the next light because I don't feel like walking through the dark neighborhood ahead. I sometimes question whether doing the work of the Lord, in my life, looks official; pastoral; ordained; theologically sound? Existential plays a chord: who am I, really?  Who will I be?  Am I just kidding myself with seminariantics? Should I just move where I feel most comfortable, get a job, save money; get a different life elsewhere?

...that I have ever known.

Greetings All

As I was thinking about our writers collective I thought about how un-lively it has been lately. I think it is probably because we all have so much going on at the moment. Not to worry, it is not as if the blosphere is whimpering pathetic plea's for aid while staggering toward death because it lacks our sporadic musings. But in light of spicing things up a bit I just HAD to include something here that I heard on Kevin & Bean this morning. Apparently Ryan Seacrest made a complete arse out of himself last night on national television (see the link if you are interested in the story. If you dont have time to read it--or are like me and would rather just skip to the visual, see the picture below...)




Oh by the way, the kindly lad in front of Seacrest is blind!

"Can't Hold On To The Thrill, So I Hope You Find Your Will To Follow Through"

Basking in reflection once again, I find myself thinking of relationships. Is it not difficult for you? To constantly find joy in those around you is something that comes with strife and exhaustion. Not to say that people are always letting you down, but that possibly you have been let down in the past. Due to your regretful lack of the ability to not be affected by your past experiences, life has become a constant struggle to treat people with the kindness that you expect from them. Do you know what it is like to not find enthusiasm in the life you once rejoiced to live? Fear not, there is an answer to these problems. You. You are the answer.
Consistently we fail to remember it’s not about us. There will be days when life does not feel fair. It’s the good in life that makes all of it worth the perseverance. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord, right? We’ve all heard it and we all know it. How often do we truly believe it? I firmly believe, and I hope you do also, that God does not want us focusing on our self-depracation, depression and strife. We need to stop being frustrated for not receiving the things we think we deserve. It’s time to worship Him for the things that we don’t deserve, which is everything.
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. We are selfish beings and it is impossible for us not to think about ourselves. This being the case, what God wants from us is something different. Recently I decided to get together with a friend and we decided to devise a plan that would have us reading scripture on a regular basis. With all of this on my mind for quite some time now, I find it more than appropriate that the first passage we were lead to was Romans 12:9-13, which reads:

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, and serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.”

This is a Christian’s true calling. We must overlook our past experiences. We must never cease in our attempts to overcome the tendency to be blind to the positive things in our lives. We must never stop trying to follow Christ’s example, which is summarized so well in that passage. Rejoice in community, because it is God's desire. Rejoice in the Lord, because you are His desire as well.